ashleykarynna

it's getting old. fast. the constant thoughts that spill onto here. when the fuck will i ever stop thinking? don't you ever wish there was some button in the back of your head that can turn off your thought process? the more i think, the more i fidget, the more i feel, the more i spill emotions, the more i lose whatevers left of me since i've already gone and lost my sanity. i wish there was someone out there that could just make me STOP THINKING. that can be the one to push that button in the back of my head. oh yes, everyone else is afraid to, they think i'd completely shut down, that it's fatal, that i'm just one gigantic ticking time bomb. i'm really not, i'm just unstable.

i don't like admitting that, honestly. i don't like it when people think there's something wrong with me, i don't like the constant questions. i used to be sad just to get attention from a group of people, now it happens every now and then, but for the right reasons, such as a week or two ago. i don't feel like getting into that. i love how i'm so in love with love but i've never tasted an ounce of it. what the fuck is so bad about me? why do people feel uneasy around me? why do people fucking love me, then leave me? that's the biggest question i've always needed an answer for.

my mom wants me to go to counceling, my dad doesn't help worth shit. my friends know nothing at all. why? because i'm afraid to tell them that there's a scary side of me, this side. the side that consists of a frown and constant rambling, apathy, sympathy. fuck sympathy, people don't stick around because they love me, they stick around because they fucking feel bad for me. hence, why i never throw out my sob stories unless someone asks. but even then, i really feel uncomfortable just talking about it at all. i generally am a happy person, that's basically the side i stay with the most, or try to. i think i feel too much, but someone said that makes me "real"

from now on, wherever i go,
whatever i do, i'm a fucking bird.


and i'll fly away when i want to.

i have a lot of topics to discuss but am short on time so i'm going to write some down and go into details later.

i'm in love with the lead singer of mgmt and the lead singer of of montreal.
oh baby, i dont have a chance with the of montreal guy since he's gay n all...but oh my god is he sexy.
the lead singer of mgmt was sooooooooooooocuuuuuuuuute oh my gosh i was ready to pounce him like whhat. ososososoo cute. but oh it was so weird because he looked EXACTLY like dustin drake. exactly. i wish someone here knew dustin so they could have freaked out with me because IM SERIOUS theres some sort of twinage going on here..

eddie finally emailed me!!!!!!!
and i quote:

"Ashley is this your e-mail address...??

If it is send me an e-mail back

Eddie "

fra la la. how gnarly is that...i replied... "yes, yes it is. "

how wonderful. i am all giddy. i've missed eddie.

i googled him and nothing came up except a creepy picture of a prison mate..and so...dear friends, i leave you with this.




but no no no, i digress...thanksgivin is coming up and i really hope i get to go to colorado. so sosososoosoooooooooooo badly. i miss my sister so much it hurts my insides and my outsides too. i just wanna see her cute lil face. i want a family. i want comfort. i dont know. i envy celeste and josh so much. i love them more than i love myself, i swear.



i dont want to go back to school. sometimes i get really serious about the idea of just running away. i wish i didn't care about school. deep deep deep deep down, i don't. it wont matter in the end anyways...

last night ian asked me why i was so critical of myself and i didnt know what to say. i never know what to say. i'm sure i sound like an idiot. but there just arent words. ian told me that i dont have anything to be so worried about and tried to assure me that i'm not ugly or fat and i'm normal for my height. ian is very nice, he makes me feel good about myself when i'm feeling blue.

got to drive my dads car today so that was niiiiiiiiiice.

1st period...aerobics...worked out pretty good I guess
2nd period psychology 2 and Posey just let us leave cuz there were only 4 of us
so we did and me and this girl Amy walked around for a while but I had to be back for third period so I just took a nap in my car
3rd period ...ap us history...I'm not sure how I feel about that class I love Mr. Murphy but Ochoa scares the freak out of me and there are like 75 kids in the class and it's kind of overwhelming because i have no friends in there but it's fine pretty much cuz all we do is get lectures and take tests and history is my favorite subject n all. today murphy was talking about how he adopted his son and something about indians and it was all crazy but it made me smile. i'll bet hes a real good dad he's cute. also what i think is cute about him is how he sits at his desk with his headphones on laughing it up watching youtube videos. it brightens my day. i enjoy him.
didn't go to fourth period. went with kendal to pick up whitney from her house then we went back to school to get my car and we all met at chilis. me, kendal, whitney, adam, and kel and this other ashley came later. it was pretty awkward because i'm only good friends with kendal. and i'm just okay with whit and kel and i don't even know that ashley or adam very well so i just kinda sat there but the thing is no one else was talking either except whitney and ashley and they were just talking to each other. i didn't like it so i tried to improve the conversation and i brought up my hot math teacher mr. johnson and how hot he is and whitney and i rambled for what seemed like hours about what a good butt he has and how he's so cute when he smiles and how he's even cuter when he studders and gets embarrassed. and then we all got a laugh at this poor girl maddies expense. the thing is this girl is a pathalogical liar and comes up with the craziest stuff. pretty sure she's dying? who knows its just crazy and funny and cracks me up. so lunch ended fairly well.

Just feel like blogging I have nothing else to do

My dad is worried about me he keeps asking me why I don't hang out with any of my friends and I don't know what to tell him. my friends just aren't really my friends I'm not that close to them I dont know why I'm just not and I don't think there is really anything I can do about it because it's hard for me to get close to people I'm always so awkward and I have a wall up that will never go down and frankly no one seems interested in being close to me and I do wonder why a lot I wonder what it is about me that turns people off so much I wonder if I am really just a big depressing grump. maybe probably thats it. I try to be happy around people though I don't like being solemn or boring or anything like that I try to be upbeat and stuff but the thing is I don't really have a good personality IM NOT JUST SAYIN THAT I really am not that funny or whitty or smart or anything of the sort I'm just a sort of ... literal realist I don't know I'm just not a ball to be around. I see people around me all the time having so much fun and just letting loose and not even caring and I wish so bad I could do that but I'm not comfortable enough to do that and it makes me sad. I don't know what I'm so scared of.
I don't really know what possibly in my life could stress me out so much that I would be capable of this madness? I'm just a silly little girl and I analyze myself far too much.
it's kind of getting hard to handle I'm just waiting for my brain to explode.

I am so redundant.


blahablhablbblahhhh anyways on a lighter note IM TRYING TO GET BETTER IM TRYING

I made plans with Kendal this weekend so that should be fun
I still need to call Lexi back and hang out with her all kinds I miss that girl...
Zach never talks to me anymore it makes me really depressed..he got frustrated with me for a while because I never would hang out with him so I think maybe he just gave up on me. But the other day I saw him and we talked and he emptied his coin jar finally and got cash and it ended up coming to a hundred and something and I asked him what he was going to buy and he was said weed and then he said ashley in all honesty we'd probably hang out more if you smoked and I was like what all confused and he was like well its my hobby and if we shared a hobby then I'd probably like to hang out with you more.

I was kind of taken aback by what he said and I left the conversation feeling very confused. that was kind of an asinine thing to say on his part it kind of pissed me off. sorry I'm not a COMPLETE pot head zach? or what? I felt like telling him to fuck off and have fun in math club but I didn't. but really.. he thinks he's so cool sometimes it pisses me off so bad. just because he's so witty and he's a genius and attractive doesn't make him better than me. but he does think that. he thinks he's cooler than me. need I remind you I've rejected him like 300 times soooo I win I think.

I get off school early tomorrow for some football thing but I'm not attending I'm just goonna come home and take a nap.

My novel is coming no where I have nothing important to say blah blhafbsdaflsah

since i posted a real journal entry or whatever so i thought now would be a good time since i dont wanna do my homework and also its halloween.
but i gotta make this quick cuz i have a lot of homework.

soooooooo life is gay i guess i dont really have a life. my only friend that i actually talk to on the daily and hang out with every once in a while is kendal. i love her and she's such a good person and a good friend and i wish she was a dude. :)

but no hmm what else what else...my grandma's cancer might be coming back so i've been praying for her all kinds i hope she's okay i dont really know what i'd do without her she's been the one of the only constants in my whole life. and even though she's kind of crazy and talks too much i love her with my whole heart even though i dont like to admit that i really love people.

my mom gave eddie my email address so i'm expecting one from him shortly. i'm really excited i love eddie he was like my second dad and i'm just excited to get an email from him. i wish he'd hurry up already even though its only been a day i'm impatient.

this weekend we had a four day weekend and i didnt do anything special at all. i hate how reclusive i am and how i dont socialize with anyone and i hate how i'm most comfortable at home. i dont know why im like this i wish i was like other teenagers.

ok well i gotta do my homework. i'm writing a paper on same sex marriage and its a horrible paper i suck at school.

i hate high school and i hate anyone who likes high school

ever create a moment when a tear begins a river of wild emotion. when the idea of losing someone breaks you down. and all you want to do is cherish them forever. as i begin to fear the sight of you, i begin to see your face everywhere. i hate myself for losing you. i feel sick because i want you back so bad. just like a tear, my heart is beginning to leave my mind and soul. and it flows and flows and flows.

I'm gonna drift so far away
so far out of sight
that I'll just blend right into the sea.


you are killing me.

You were so close and I could see every pore on your skin. It reminded me that you're just like me too.

You and me we're the same.

We're both human.

We both make mistakes.

I should probably forgive you. I should probably stop thinking about you.

Everything I saved of you has been lost. I didn't mean to. I wanted to hold on to everything I could, but it just left.

I can't remember what your voice sounds like now.

Maybe it's a good thing. It means I'm not waiting up all night for your phone calls.

Your old words are what hurt the most, though.

I will always hold your hand, I'll never let you fall
'Cause nothing, nothing else matters at all
If you're scared, just think of me, 'cause you know I'd never let you be
Anywhere but with me

I am so so so so beside myself.
I am so depressed. I don't even know what to do.
Seriously all I wanna do is just cry and cry like a little baby
but I can't the tears just wont come because I've got a cold heart

I have nobody nobody nobody at all.
I try so hard I don't think anyone even gets how hard I try
I'm always so depressed but I try to be so happy for some people and they don't even care and they just ignore it and it hurts so much
I don't know why it's so impossible for me to keep a fucking friend
but everybody ends up leaving me and I'm sick of it

I'm never getting close to another person again. I swear on my life.

I'm so sick of being left behind and forgotten.

I'll just never compare to some people and it's silly that I ever thought I could.

I wonder what is wrong with me
I really do
I just want to run away forever
Fuck Utah fuck fuck fuck Utah

I have nobody nobody nobody at all.

and I hate that I actually want someone to be close to
I'm only human I fucking want someone who understands me and someone who will let me cry on their shoulder and someone I know wont leave me

Love is a joke
Friendship is a joke
None of it fucking exists
at least for me

Oh I am so done.
so so sososoosososo done with everyone
everyone can just kiss my ass
I'm sick of kissing theirs
I'm sick of chasing people around
I'm sick of trying to make everyone else feel better when I feel like shit
I'm sick of feeling left out because everyone is content except me
I'm sick sick sick 100% SICK of feeling lonely
when I'm in a room full of people

So basically I'm just going to recluse the fuck out
so at least then I'll actually know why I'm lonely
instead of being confused about it

I'm done being optimistic nothing ever gets better
I've been trying to be optimistic for the last year and everytime I get just a little bit happy it all goes to shit.
so fuck it.
I'm sick of not being able to feel better
usually when Im depressed it goes away
but not this time
this is so deep I can't even stand it
it feels like I have a big black fucking cloud in my heart or something
who the fuck knows
not me thats for sure
I dont know anything so I just give up on life in Utah

I can't wait until I move away and everyone will forget I was ever here.
and I'll forget everyone here
and start a new life filled with whatever I want

so take a close look people
this is what a pure mess of a person looks like

fuck I just want to hit me
just beat myself up for being so stupid
whats my deal?
I am so naive I'm so child like
I look for love in all the wrong places
what the fuck was I thinking texting Mark today?
I obviously don't care about my pride I guess.
blah blah fdasbfsalfsj what the hell I've resorted to talking to MARK because no one else will talk to me
ugh . I"m so dumb so so duuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb

there just seriously ARENT ANY WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL
Im seriously at a loss for words
but I dont even have anyone to talk to so here I am typing on the fucking computer

I miss everyone I've lost so so much
I miss Tim I miss Seth I miss Jon I miss Kyle I miss Amie I miss Celeste. I miss Celeste so much she understood me more than anyone ever in my life and I miss her so much I could talk to her about anything fuck I miss her ok I'm officially crying now UGH I'm so gayyyyyyy

My birthday was the worst birthday of my life.
My whole family forgot. Made me feel about 2 inches tall and invisible.

I hate myself for being so depressed over the stupidest shit I know my life isn't that bad I'm totally aware of it but I can't fucking help it.

I'm so lonely I wish I was still on drugs

I dont care about anything anymore I seriously dont

I am so selfish.

I'm happy. My mom left town so now I have more time to myself. wait. that sounded so rude. I'm not PARTICULARLY (i just killed that worrd) happy that she left. I was just getting too frustrated with her. so I'm glad that I'm not frustrated anymore? haha. I dunno. I'm crazy.

soo me and Jonny have been talking again and its been real nice. daaaamn I've missed him so much its crazy I dont even know why I love him so much I just do. and I'm glad we're on good terms now and we had a long talk and it was nice and we both set aside our pride and admitted that we missed eachother. haha we're both so stubborn. i'm glad he made the first move in talking to me cause I was defintely planning on ignoring him forever.
its still kinda weird though. like, he asked me how my "boy situations" were? I dont even know what he meant so I was like WHAT? and he just asked if I liked anyone and I said noooooooooooo because I dont. and he asked me about Mark and that was just so awkward and I didnt give him a lot of details cause its just weird for me to talk to him about all that. and plus I just plan on being single for the rest of my life since nobody ever likes me ever. (side story, I basically got called ugly the other day. its a really long story so I just decided not to try and explain it and type it, but yeah. basically it sucked. and I dont know why everyone has to be so focused on the way people look. so what if I'm not "PRETTY" and I dont weigh 90 pounds. I dont know why people always have to make me feel like crap about it. I pick at myself enough. I just wish it didnt matter.) but anyways where was I. oh yeah single forever. but whatever I dont reallly care I guess. yeah I'm a liar but whatever anyways ummmmm oh yeah jon. he was all telling me how this girl fell asleep on his bed or something and that stuff just kills me dude I'm such a jealous girl even now. its been what..4 months now? haha and I'm still jealous. I can't even handle the thought of him with another girl thats so horrible of me I wonder what my deal is. I dunno. I definitely know that he doesnt even care. I could get knocked up and he wouldnt even care probably ahha I dont know how he doesn't get jealous. he says he did but I know he never did. cuz I never gave him reason to. blah blah bfalojsfslkjfsa. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

My life is so boring all my friends...haha I mean wait I dont even have any friends nobody likes me even. I just hang out with myself and I read and I listen to music and thats just all I do but wait why am I complaining I like it. haha I just complain to complain I think. I'm crazy. My birthday is in 5 days and pretty sure everyone is gonna forget. I cant wait. birthdays arent even a big deal to me but the fact that everyone is forgetting, sucks.

I've been eating so much lately I really think I've gained like 5 pounds at least I can feel it and I dont like the way it feels at all I need to cut it out with the eating junk already. I wish I was shorter or taller I hate my height I'm like average height. I'm not petite and I'm not tall. I'm just butch? hahaha. oh I'm cracking myself up.

I dont even know anymore I'm just laying back in my chair all crazy cat style and I'm typing away. I guess I'm in another complainy mood again because this entry is definitely a complainer. Oh ohoh I got a new journal a real one like with paper. it was like 30 bucks at barnes and noble but it was so worth it. its beautiful and I've been writing in it all kinds its gnarly. barnes and noble is like the best store of my life I could just live in there, maybe. I really could. with starbucks and those chairs and everything it would be heaven.

sometimes I just kind of wish I could get away. move away to some place where no one knows who I am and I can just do whatever I want to. like sit in a barnes and noble all day. reading and drinking coffee. or just go to a park and take a nap and walk around and get an ice cream maybe. and then just drive town to town. on the open road. become a drifter. and be all mysterious. and meet all sorts of random people and just take their picture and make an album of all my adventures. and then when I'm old I'll have actually seen something except the same crap all day. I just wanna roadtrip my whole life away. maybe alone or maybe it would be fun with someone special. maybe. they'd have to be pretty special though.

Its weird lately Ive been thinking of my old friend tim. I still have no idea why he stopped talking to me. he was such a weird kid. but just the thought of him makes me laugh but it also makes me sad at the same time. since he doesnt talk to me anymore you know. yeah now that i think about it, it really bugs me. why did he stop talking to me? haha. how annoying. I always kind of secretely hope inside that I'll run into him somewhere and we'll be forced to talk to eachother. I know it'll happen eventually but I just dont know when. but anyways i was thinking about how funny he was. he was SO funny. he was so random. i was going through some of our old myspace messages that i saved because i'm gay and he was so funny. haha like this

"when the going gets tough the tough get naked

aids is the new leparcy

Ponchos are cool.

My name isn’t Jose

Girls are for gay guys

I am down with down syndrome

Two words AP PLE

Communion is dinner for anorexic people

Lawn mowers are for French people

You look like Elton John with boobs

I don’t see cows drinking your milk

Severed heads make me upset.

Mustaches are for pedophiles

syndrom of a down

those are t-shirt ideas that jeff and i have had. except for the first one. there are many many many more, like 5 pages in microsoft word. but yea."

hahahaha. or like.

"eya, lets go kidnap that little albino midget in the cheffs hat that everyone wants to tickle. we can leave a ransom note... If yOU WAnt to sEE THe DOgh- BOY givE us SOme CreSENT ROlls ANd some FLUFfy ONes 2."

but yeah. i'm done.



my elbow really itches and my hands feel clammy. bye.